All These Thoughts Tho…

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I recently visited a good friend of mine in Colorado who was getting married. Phil was working so I went by myself and let me tell you I felt like a baby whose blankie had been taken away. I talked about Phil so much that I’m sure everyone felt they knew him personally. By the time I left though I felt more self-confident and beautiful then I had in a really long time.

Of course it wasn’t being away from my husband that made me feel like this but more so having only myself to depend on for getting through uncomfortable or socially awkward situations. This is something I have continually struggled with in my twenties. Feeling anxious and overthinking other people’s opinions and thoughts of me. Going over and over tiny details in my head-feeling unable to separate myself from my own thoughts and ultimately letting myself be trapped in a box of being nervous or overwhelmed at simple situations.

But I told myself I wasn’t going to do that on this trip, or rather that I couldn’t. I HAD to surround myself with people, I couldn’t stay home all the time, I had to be social and face meeting TONS of new people and being nice to them. I think it’s a fairly normal thing to be a little awkward in new places (or old places with new people), but by the time I left I had surprised myself with how I had risen to the challenge, and totally knocked it out of the park.

I spent my time with two childhood girlfriends of mine and I was amazed at how my perception of myself changed. These women didn’t spend their time criticizing themselves. They accepted their physical flaws with grace, and didn’t compare their beauty to my own, but rather applauded it. Now don’t get me wrong, they weren’t sending out a marching band when they got a pimple, but they weren’t tearing themselves down for the small imperfections that let’s be honest, we all still have.

It was refreshing and invigorating to feel like I was one of them. I was normal, and I was beautiful as I was.

Over the week I was there situations would arise that would call for my specific strengths, and I felt powerful and self-assured. When I came home, I felt mentally exhausted (weddings though, amiright?) but so loved by myself and safe in my own heart. I felt poured into, and as a result I wanted to pour into others. Because I felt fierce, and able to take on anything, it was more than easy to give the same feeling to others.

It was almost a week ago that I came home, and I have been working through this question in my heart… If my soul feels so full, why doesn’t my spirit?

I have been wracking my brain trying to understand why I feel so far away from God. Doesn’t He want us to feel beautiful? It starts to sound more religious the farther down I go. Does God want you to feel small so that He can be big? Does He want you to feel ugly without Him? Is God unhappy with me feeling like I’m a good woman?

We all have different seasons with our faith. God does different things in our hearts at different times. And though He did create us to do wonderful things, wouldn’t He want to do those things WITH us? I think there is so much Fear that tries to sneak in with these conflicting thoughts. Who is God to us? Who is God to me?

God is my Father, yes. But God desires to be loved, to be included, to be sought after. And I think it’s so important to remember that these times are pivotal. These little things shape how you move on with your relationship with Him. (talking to myself here)

What do I think I’m supposed to learn from all this? That God wants me to feel incomplete? Or maybe He just wants me to feel incomplete without Him? And why wouldn’t He feel like that?! When I left, I must have told Phil a hundred times how much I would miss him, and maybe got a little mad once or twice because his response wasn’t, “I can’t live without you, don’t ever leave me ever.”… I mean, I knew he would miss me, but there is a part of my heart that definitely hoped a little that he would fall apart. Because I love him! And I think God is like that too, He isn’t human so He doesn’t have all the insecurities that I do, but He made me with a need to love Him.

I think God rejoices when we realize that we have worth, that we are beautiful, that we are unique. Because He made us like that. But maybe He also feels good when we realize how much we need Him, and how He is the only thing that can fill all those little (and big) holes in our hearts.

All of this to say, I’m very thankful for who God made me as. I’m thankful for the emotional capacity to feel strong, and fierce, and like a damn good woman. And I am also thankful to have such an incredible Father, who has such a deep and unfathomable love for us, and who stays steady through all my emotional ups and downs *nervous laugh. God forreal though, you da real  MVP.

And also thank Jesus for good women, who remind you of your beauty and give you good conversations and plenty of hugs. They should never be taken for granted, and if you know a few then please buy them a pretty present and make sure they’re having a good day.


Happy Monday!


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