There has been so much going on lately, that I finally feel like I can sit down and type through what I have been feeling and it’s not all good things.
It’s not that I’m not happy, you know? Or that I don’t have plenty of reasons to be. I’m in a committed relationship with someone who loves me and genuinely wants to make me happy. I’m growing new life inside of me and although he/she kind of looks like a creature right now, babies are always something to celebrate. My husband and I have found the home that dreams are made of, and will be moved into it in a very short week. We have two beautiful animal babies that are the cutest cat and dog that a person could ask for. My husband has a job that he enjoys and that allows me to be at home. I am a talented individual and have many skills and abilities to offer. I am a spiritual woman with a powerful intuition and a big heart of love. But I feel like Maria in “The Sound of Music” when she’s about to meet the Captain.
“What will this day be like?
What will my future be?
It could be so exciting,
To be out in the world,
To be free!
My heart should be wildly rejoicing.
Oh, what’s the matter with me?
I’ve always longed for adventure,
To do the things I’ve never dared.
Now here I’m facing adventure
Then why am I so scared?”
The other day I was going through clothes and my cat (being the daredevil that she is), jumped onto a shelf and then onto the top of the closet door. Onto the door! And just sat on the door, somewhat balanced – all the while of course I was frantically trying to save her from her ultimate doom. And that’s what I feel like right now. I feel like I’ve gotten myself perched on this wobbly door, and while I might be safe, I feel unstable and ready to fall at any moment.
Before I got pregnant, I was in the middle of forming a small business, and I had JUST received the rest of test products that I needed before I would start real-talk timelines. However, due to the nature of the products, they are not pregnancy-friendly. And of course I was so happy to find out we were expecting our first baby, and as guilty as it made me to feel like this, I was disappointed that this idea was going to be put on hold. As time has gone on, the business model has evolved and changed and I have been able to give a lot more thought to this dream and just how I would like to go about it, so I’m sure it was all a part of God’s timing. But is it too human just to say that I’m tired of feeling aimless? After I dropped out of college (which I do not regret) and many random and wonderful jobs (tire swing painter, child care provider, sous chef and assistant caterer, substitute teacher, Army wife -let’s be honest, that deserves it’s own category-) I felt so strongly against having a corporate job.
I hate the mindset of climbing a ladder of competition. It works for some people, but not for me. I scoured through hours and hours of dreams and desires I had, and some I still have. Food trucks, sandwich cafe’s, florist shops, non-profits, women’s ministries, bed and breakfast nooks, natural body scrubs and bath soaks… and who knows, because I haven’t ruled all of those out. And there was one little spark that kept coming back to me that I decided to pray about and perhaps pursue. Fast forward, and here we are. And I can’t help but feel a little defeated. Of course it is a wonderful thing to be a mother, and bringing a little tribe into this world is something I’ve always wanted. But especially being pregnant, and not really having a lot of physical evidence (yet) of all the hard work you’re doing, can make you feel like you’re not good for a whole lot.
What am I doing to contribute to my life, or anyone else’s? I’m tired all the time, I’m irritated MORE than all the time, the only energy for cooking that I have is pretty much a frozen lasagna. These beautiful animals are driving me up the wall, I can’t find the motivation to pack up our house, and all I want to do is watch “The Office” and eat snacks that I don’t have to make myself. And with all the friends in the world who remind me that I am loved, there is still that small prick of unhappiness that refuses to be consoled.
And I don’t want to be reminded that God has a plan, you know? Because I know that every season has a purpose. I know that one day I’ll look back on these moments and clarity will shine it’s sunny face on the frustrations that cloud my thoughts. I don’t want to know how many things I have to be thankful for. I just want someone to tell me the future, you know?* I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now because I am feeling like an impatient little potato and if God could indulge my hormones, then that would just be great.
I guess this is just your fellow 25 year old female friend, reminding you that she has feelings. And maybe in 5 years I’ll have loads of wisdom from all the things that I’ll learn as I work through all the angst and heartache of being an adult who still is growing up. But right now, who just feels like she has nothing in her life together and doesn’t know how to end this on a super positive note.
*I know there are people in the world who claim to know the future, but I don’t really want to know so if anyone reads this who feels they have that “skill” don’t spoil it for me.