How many of these do you see on a daily basis? And how many times do you click on one, secretly hoping your significant other will pass the test, and that you’ll have gloating rights over all the boyfriends in the world? And how many times does that guy turn out to be a mere human. Let me guess. 9/10 times? (Lol there’s a little hero in all of us). At least this is what I’ve found.
Phil and I have been married for almost two years, so I get it, I don’t have all the experience. But I have some, and I know somewhere out there, someone is bound to find this relatable. I know someone else, guy or gal, is tired of their relationship being undermined by unrealistic expectations and standards. And I DO have a lot of experience in that particular field. I struggled for a long time with basing my standards for my romantic life off of what I read, what I listened to, what I watched, or what I just assumed.
It worked when I was 17, you know? I mean not really, but it was at least at a point where I had room to grow up a little.
When you look at our picture, which is actually from our engagement shoot, I bet you don’t see two people with a past. All you can see is the love we feel for each other. Not the frustration of finding a pose that looks good on us, making sure I like the way my neck looks, trying to make my hair look like it’s manageable. You don’t see the pain from my childhood, our arguments over how to properly assemble our dresser, or the endless piles of dirty dishes that need to be washed.
I read an article this morning titled something along the lines of, “10 ways to know if your relationship is perfect.” There were things along the lines of, are they your best friend, do you love spending time with them, can you cry around them… you know, the usual. Do you respect each other, do you tear one another down when you fight… I think all those are very key, but basically I think what this article was asking, was “are you in love with this person?”.
Spoiler alert, I’m not always in love with my husband. And part of me doesn’t want to say it because, “Oh no! What will people think?!” … And honestly if you want to judge me, have at it. But the truth is, relationships are very difficult. And though I would love to say that I don’t have shortcomings, or that Phil is always perfect, it isn’t true.
We all know this too. There isn’t a person in this world that is a perfect significant other. And I hate “knowing” what my relationship is based on someone else’s life, standards, flaws, hopes, and worldview.
It’s overwhelming, confusing and inaccurate. and I feel that I should defend all us imperfect people.
I think everyone at some point has been hurt, has been lied to, has had a little piece of their heart broken. And everyone at some point will get frustrated, will get angry, will feel hurt or betrayed. Everyone is trying to find their way in life. And the second we start putting lines, conditions, and rules to what a personal and intimate relationship looks like, that’s when we become the judge in someone else’s life.
Now, I’m sure the intent of these articles is purely innocent, and designed to be cute. So I’m not trying to spew my soapbox all over you like a hate-wave. The only point I’m trying to get across, is to remember when you see pictures of smiling faces, articles that take you to nostalgic places, or quizzes that test your compatibility… remember, that everyone is flawed. No one is completely put together. We’re all dragging around a backpack of burdens, trying to find a place to leave it at.
Don’t forget to see that person you’re with through eyes of grace and love. To remember what’s important about love. To forgive them when they fail you. To not base the foundation of who you are on what other people claim to be the “right” way. And to be honest with yourself about who you are, and who your partner is.
Comparing yourself or your partner to other people, or other people’s standards will lead to disappointment. Always. It’s a bottomless pit of mystery. And it’s never satisfied.
Regardless of whether you’re spiritual or not, remember that the person you’re with was created as a beautiful, loved, and individual being. And they should be treated as such.
It’s almost 9 on Monday morning and the house is a complete wreck.
Almost every room needs attention, and yet I’m finding all I really want to do is sit on our brand-spanking new couches, drink my way-too-strong coffee, and write a blog about something… I don’t really know yet.
“I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”
I was reading this passage earlier and it really challenged me and I thought I’d share my personal thoughts.
I think trusting God can sometimes get a little blurry as to what it actually entails, what it means on a daily basis, and maybe how it has gotten misconstrued. I mean I know for me personally, that I don’t always FEEL like doing what I should, or what I know I need to, or maybe even what God has asked me to… but I don’t usually look at those types of situations as not trusting God. It’s usually a matter of free will, right?
A friend of mine and I were taking a walk and talking about married life and life with kids (she and her husband have an incredible baby girl), and how it can be challenging to adapt to the life of trusting someone else’s input – especially the times you might disagree with it.
Growing up as an independent woman with a good sense of herself (whatever that means, right?), and a pretty good head on her shoulders, learning to adjust to having another human as such a major part of my life, my decision making and my future, well it can seem kind of daunting.
I’ve struggled with a lot of perfectionism and feeling like my identity and all that I am rests on whether or not I answer “it” right, especially in my relationship with God. Trusting God when you’re single versus when you’re married has to be one of the most incomparable things in life. Now maybe to all you ladies who have been married for over a year, bear with me because I’m only learning and maybe the secret is right around the corner. The decisions I made when I was single affected (for the most part) only myself. Obviously they affected SOME other people, but you know what I mean? All you had to do was look out for numero uno. Make sure that you stayed out of sin and rough situations based on your own actions alone.
But marriage. That’s my heart AND his heart. THAT’S A WHOLE OTHER HEART!
It’s a weird place to be. Because honestly, loving my husband is one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. He is compassionate, he’s empathetic, he’s kind, he is by far the funniest person I’ve ever known, not to mention his good looks cause I could go on all day about those… no he has never been a difficult person to be in love with. He’s always the first one to repent, he always wants peace in our home, he stands up for me and defends my honor, and always keeps me safe. I mean…heh, I definitely scored.
And then there are the moments when I disagree with one of his decisions, and I have to decide in my heart, whether to trust him or not. And those moments can honestly be the most difficult. Because I’m not just choosing to trust him, but I’m also choosing to trust God. Let’s face it, Phil isn’t always right, but God gave him to me as my covering, to follow him and honor him with my trust. And theoretically if your husband loves God and is pursuing a relationship with Him then his decisions will in turn reflect more of God, which is of course, always right.
Now this goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway, if you’re in an abusive or ungodly relationship, and your spouse’s decisions are causing harm to you or your family (in any sense), there are different verses for that. And God by no means endorses women (or men) to be victims. So if that is your situation, please have the courage to change it.
With that being said, that is not my case at all. And I suppose what I’m trying to get at is, although he might make the wrong choice and fail, knowing that he’ll be loved and trusted anyway, makes a world of difference. And me choosing to accept the fact that I am not the leader of my home, and though contrary to occasional belief, I DON’T actually know everything, maybe it will make those moments easier to tackle.