I recently visited a good friend of mine in Colorado who was getting married. Phil was working so I went by myself and let me tell you I felt like a baby whose blankie had been taken away. I talked about Phil so much that I’m sure everyone felt they knew him personally. By the time I left though I felt more self-confident and beautiful then I had in a really long time. Read the rest of this entry »
So Phil and I live in S. Korea. We’ve been here for a couple months and are still working on getting settled and finding our niche in our neighborhood. This has been particularly difficult in regards to food. Grocery shopping, eating out, sending Phil with lunches, finding markets with cool things… really, I’ve just had a disappointing time. The language barrier has to be the toughest thing, because you can’t buy anything if you don’t know how much it is, can’t ask how much it is, it might be priced higher because you’re American, and that’s even if you can decipher how to get there in the first place.
It isn’t that I don’t like Korean food, but they barely use salt
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Honestly, today I have no idea what I’m going to write about. It’s been awhile since I’ve published anything and I’m having kind of a hard time wrapping my thoughts around one topic. Maybe I’ll just write all of them down. Are you guys ready to kiss an hour of your life away? It’s for a good cause, if that makes you feel better. The betterment of your fellow lady is always a good reason to read things.
So I got my hair cut a little over a week ago, and let me tell you I had no idea that I had so many control issues until my hair had been washed and we were sitting in front of the mirror and he was smiling with scissors in hand, ready to chop away. The last time (couple of times) anyone touched my hair, it was me and although to be honest the job was way less than terrific, it was me who did it. And if I ended up borderline-shaving myself because I had wrecked my locks, it was my own doing and I could be excited that I did something myself. It’s been probably seven years from when I cut it the first time and I have been perfectly fine with that until about now.
Phil was gone and I was having a little mini-meltdown and feeling like I needed a change in about every aspect of my life, and truly a haircut was long overdue, so I decided to go for it. Well I’m sitting there, listening to this guy who’s talking about Selena and Justin getting back together, doing makeup and hair for “the stars” being his dream of all dreams, and whispering about how the new girl sucks and how she should just leave… and well, I’m FREAKING OUT.
After questioning everything he was doing and crying a little in my head about what I was seeing, having a pity party about getting no sleep (because I drank too much coffee), my eyes being puffy and my face looking bloated… if that’s even a possible thing. Well I was just having a rough time.
And I’d like to say I got a huge victory over all the things I was struggling with but honestly even after he was finished, all I wanted to do was get out of there. And my hair looks real pretty, and I actually love it. So I guess it was a step in the right direction, right?
I don’t even know how to feel about Fall almost being here… it feels like time is just running away from me kind of. It’s almost been a year from when Phil proposed, we’re only going to be at Fort Campbell for another three months before taking leave to go to Korea (which our report date is a day before our one year anniversary, and that is just mind blowing by itself), and I look at myself and where I am, how I feel about myself and just who I am as a person.. and really I’m so happy with my life. I know it seems so silly to say but I think I’ve grown so much in the past year. Which actually leads me into my next point…
A friend of mine said something to me a couple weeks ago about me not being the same Anna that he knew before I got married and it kind of threw me off. So I prayed about it and asked God if that was okay, should I be the same person, if I was different did that mean I was faking something? But the answer was so clear, simple and so peaceful. Of course I was different. And I had changed, but more than that I had grown. I’ve had several moments of clarity where I’ve looked on the girl I was up until recently and it’s made me so sad. Being a teenager was not fun for me, and I had a lot of years of being very lost, very broken, and very unhealthy. Not to say I’m all together now, but I definitely think I have a better idea of who God is, and who He made me to be. I had a couple of years where I was full of passion, full of a drive and a love and desire for life and for living everything as fully as possible, and that is really beautiful and awesome. But I was very immature, and my life was one huge book that I was trying to write for myself. All I wanted was my life to be epic, to be this grand adventure, a long winding road of traveling, exploring; where everything fell into place by itself, where I would have a great tale of danger, action and love. And not that that’s wrong… but it was based on a lot of running from reality, and fear. I do think that life is great, and can be very adventurous. But a couple years ago I realized I didn’t want the dramatic anymore. I wanted to have a husband who loved me, I wanted to just be human, to live in a house, and have kids one day, and to just be who I am. And I am a pretty adventurous person for the most part, and I do love to have fun and I do think blind passion has it’s place and time.
But how I lived was very unhealthy, very self-destructive and wasn’t a real way to live. For me anyway. I know there are real people who live a life of traveling and exploring and all that stuff and that is super awesome.
Basically what I’m saying is yes, I think I’ve grown, I think I’ve changed… and I think to some extent that’s good. If everyone stayed in the same emotional, mental, spiritual, and even physical state that they were in at the age 18… well God help us all. There’s a reason we have parents at that age. And when I was 18 I hated the idea of growing up because I really did think it was going to be so boring, that a relationship with God turned into praying before dinner and going to church, and that you automatically got a switch flipped that meant you couldn’t do what you wanted to, that you were restricted to the rules of “society”. And I’m sure there will be more things I’ll realize as my twenties pass, when Phil and I have kids, and you know… other stuff like that. I really hope I always am growing, not changing so much as maturing. Dare I say I’ll improve with age? I think I will. I’m a much better cook now than I was a year ago, and I have at least one witness to that.
Speaking of getting better at things, how is it possible that my organizational skills can be so good with other people’s stuff but when it comes to my own, I can’t seem to keep from misplacing all the things I need. Right before Phil got home, I cleaned the whole house, and now I can’t find anything!! Example: I need to renew my passport so we can travel around Asia while we’re in Korea and I just know that I saw it just the other day, along with some envelopes of other things I need and I have turned everything upside down and cannot find it anywhere. Yesterday I got so frustrated because I looked in all the logical AND illogical places and could not find it. After you start looking in the same places time after time, it kind of makes you feel a little crazy. Like you know it’s somewhere, I wouldn’t have thrown it away, I would have only put it in certain places. If I did put it in a bag full of other stuff, I would have put that bag in a logical place so I could find it later. AND I’VE LOOKED IN ALL THE BAGS EVER IN ALL THE PLACES. Phil said, “Babe you know you’ll probably find it once you just relax and stop trying so hard.” So I stopped looking, took my peace and asked the H.S. to help me. Which, after that, I kind of gave up and resorted to eating chip crumbs and watching The Office for six consecutive hours… So I don’t know if that really helped my situation because now I just need to keep looking, but it’s all about having peace, right?
I guess all in all, life in the Colley house is pretty good. I made a sweet playlist on Spotify, the weather has been rainy and bland and kind of romantic, and I painted a pretty picture of a sunset which is totally outside of my painting comfort zone. So anyway, that’s a long post about the things in my life =)