faith
Hell, No.
I had the pleasure today of re-realizing how much the enemy hates us. You know, this is the guy that used to have a seriously cool job. If one third of the angels left with him, then he MUST have had a major influence over heaven. So this was no mere “oopsie”, this was like a for real God damnation type of thing. God took this so seriously that one day, yes he will be defeated but not just that… oh no God doesn’t stop there, Satan will bound for one thousand years, he’ll come back and deceive the nations again and then he will be cast into a lake of fire.
A. Lake. Of. Fire. That’s just about as intense as it gets. And he will be tortured forever. I’m sorry, because I know this is a little graphic but I just want to illustrate a little how God handles someone who has been lying to His people for thousands of years. He does not like it.
I wonder if maybe Satan doesn’t know this will happen, or maybe he thinks God is kidding or something or what must be going through his mind in all of this that keeps all the evil going. Misery loves company, perhaps? Maybe he ultimately knows what’s going to happen and just hates God so much that he wants to pull as many people down with him as possible. If you notice, Satan has very common themes. His strategies have been the same all throughout history and this guy is constantly trying to get us to relive all the same mistakes. And he deceives, he doesn’t bring anything new to the table whatsoever, he just takes God’s love, His word, His promises and twists them. He turns it around and makes it look and smell and taste like truth but it really isn’t.
This little booger is a tough one though, and rather than take all the credit for the crap in the world, he would much rather us blame ourselves and God. And so that’s been basically our whole lives, back to Eve in the garden, we have been living in a world of false comforters, false Love, false gods, false truth and false hope.
So as you read, a blog ago, Phil and I went to a Marriage Retreat in Thomaston, GA with a ministry called Be In Health, last week and we were so excited to find out that a lot of the things that we’ve struggled with are issues that can be dealt with by recognizing the enemy’s plan for our lives and choosing not to be in agreement with it. Which, that may sound really simple and maybe every other couple but us has realized this before, but I know for me, this was a huge breakthrough. When things aren’t right, something in your spirit knows it, but not having a name for it can be very frustrating and can really prevent you from getting healing and resolve. Knowing what you’re working with can be very relieving. I may be having a really hard time with believing a lie that Phil is going to walk out on me one day, that he doesn’t love me how he says he does, that I’m not mysterious and beautiful and worth pursuing and that my efforts are going to go to waste… but really, I could just be having a hard time trusting God. Doubting that God put us together, doubting that God made me in His image, and really all I need to do is, repent of course, and work on trusting God.
Again, maybe this is just a “me” issue and if so, I guess I’m a little late to the game, and thank you for reading my struggles. But I think there are more couples out there with the same issues. Who feel like things are wrong, but can’t figure out how to change it or make it better. Finding roots to your problems helps so much in getting rid of them, for good.
It really inspired me to remember that Phil isn’t my enemy. To know that he struggles with his own set of lies from the enemy and he truly loves me and wants to be the man God made him to be.
So today is our first day back since the Retreat and I will say, it definitely started off rocky. We just could not stay at peace with one another. He said the wrong thing or I said five wrong things and our hearts were NOT really having a good time. We were talking on his way to work and we were just really getting into it and I just prayed, I prayed that we would realize what was going on and I could feel him praying too and after a minute God started to talk to me.
We got this teaching on passivity called “Overcoming Passivity”, and one example mentioned was a particular incident where this couple was at the playground with their kids and kind of suddenly, one of their kids fell off the playground and started bleeding, and another one at the same time fell down while he was running (or something like that. There was some chaos, I know that) and they just felt like, “what’s going on, why is this happening to us??”. And then looking back on that incident later they said, that was such a passive approach to the situation. That they should have risen up and said; NO! You are NOT going to do this to our family, I tell this to stop!
And it’s so true, I find that so much of the time, when bad things seem like they’re just sort of raining down on you all at once, one right after another, our first instinct is to go into self-pity. Oh woe is me, why is this happening, and just when I was doing so good, how could I be here again, and I was working so hard, I really thought this time would be different, why me Lord, why me… can you taste the lie in that? When we should be standing up and saying, oh wait a minute, I recognize you, you’re the thing that wants to destroy my trust in my husband, you’re the thing that makes me feel unworthy, you’re the thing that tells me God’s word is a lie. I reject you, and I call you a liar and tell you get away from me, you’re no good, you’re a wimp and I hate you.
I think so much of the time we are so afraid to get in the enemy’s face and call him out on what he really is. He is a coward, he is a liar, and he has no place in our lives or our marriages, or relationships or children or hearts. And it’s about time that we become overcomers. It’s about time that we rise up, that we speak to each other as spiritual beings, that we shake passivity and we defend one another.
The enemy totally already had his chance, and he blew it. He blew it big time. And now it’s my chance. And I don’t want to give him my chance too, in fact I refuse to. He cannot have it. Because I already know what he’ll do with it, and I don’t like his options. His options for my life suck.
Instead of death, let’s choose life. Instead of rejection, acceptance. Instead of hate, Love. Instead of being passive, let’s be active.
Let’s tell hell, no, and to go back where it came from. And take our lives back!
Stop and Smell the Pollen.
Finding your balance in daily struggles can sometimes be very challenging. There are those thick lines, the very black and white decisions (don’t put an axe to your neighbor’s left arm just because his dogs barked ALL FREAKING DAY, don’t put your head inside the oven to get a better look at your lasagna, don’t sing worship songs in a chipmunk voice, and don’t put your laundry in the dryer with the expectation that it will fold itself while inside) and then there are your grey areas… the times that you just don’t know what to do. And it’s those times that overthinking gets his money’s worth.
How do I know what’s the line between giving too much of a crap, not giving enough of a crap and giving just the right amount of crap about life’s problems, other people’s problems and everything in the cracks.
It. Is. Exhausting.
Am I bad person because I don’t have a job, because I’m not pregnant yet, because I’m twenty-three and married, because sometimes I don’t agree with the government and what they stand for, because I forget to read my Bible and I have the hardest time getting through Leviticus and Numbers, because I drink coffee too late in the day and then get all cold-sweaty and nervous. Am I a bad wife when the house isn’t clean, or when I really don’t want to cook dinner, or don’t make the bed until ten minutes before he gets home?
Sometimes it feels like life can be going just beautifully, just everything is going quite nicely, like you’re walking down through a field and every now and again you get a whiff of something just lovely. I adore the smell of flowers and sometimes I feel like my life is one big smell of a daffodil. Like I’m really motivated and doing what I need to be doing, the days aren’t going by too fast or slow, my husband and I are working through the things we need to in a very mature and sensitive manner… and then all of a sudden I get a big itch in my nose, and I sneeze, and then all hell breaks loose in my heart and mind.
I’m registering for this marriage conference that Phil and I are really excited to go to at our home church in Georgia, and I’m talking to this lady who has always been very dear to my heart, I tell her I want to register and she says,
“So you’re signing up as church members I guess?
…………………………………
I GUESS..?”
Sigh. There it is. Just a little judgement and I feel my heart fall apart. I feel defensive and angry now, upset that she clearly doesn’t understand that we live almost seven hours away and can’t make it to church every Sunday. And I’m heart broken that she isn’t standing up for me, that she has taken the opposing side and is offering me criticism with just two words. Those two words have planted a little seed in my heart and mind and hours later when I’m laying in bed, ready to go to sleep I start to think over all my decisions of that day.
Was the dress that I wanted to get for the military ball too short, well I didn’t want to seem like a floozy, or like I was showing off, and not even like I had room to because my legs were NOT in the best shape, now that I think about it my stomach is looking a little flabby too. I mean I don’t look bad but I should probably eat less, or maybe drink less, I probably drink more than I should, but I’m twenty-three – should I be worried right now about how much is too much, my Dad struggled with addiction, maybe I am just like him after all, where does she get off being rude to me, she has her own crap to deal with…
The flowers smell is gone. All of it. And I am left with a big honking punch of pollen. What a buzz kill.
Then comes the masses of overthinking. And now all my balance is gone too. My life is a mess, I am a mess, I don’t feel good about myself and I’m just sure that everyone is thinking the same things about me. God is probably disappointed in me as a daughter, Phil probably thinks I’m a bad wife, and on top of everything I picked a bad dress for the ball.
I am just exhausted now. My balance is meshed between guilt and accusation and my peace is somewhere in the background whispering,
“Hey that’s not God, you know your Dad doesn’t care about the size of your legs, He just wants the Faith in your heart. “
And I’m like,
“Okay yeah I get it, will you just hold on a minute cause I’m sort of busy over here feeling sorry for myself and being super worried about my appearance and all the things in my life that I can’t control.”
What a mess.
And honestly, there is truth to everything the enemy tells you, but the difference between him telling you and God telling you is that when God tells you, YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING. God can come in like a soft rain or like a bolt of lightning, but He will always have a solution for you. Satan comes in telling you that YOU messed up and YOU have to change it or else YOU will be in trouble. And all of a sudden the focus of my life has become myself.
The thing about balance is that it has to be peaceful. And my life can’t have peace when I’m constantly trying to make myself good enough. Or when I’m trying to work out things based on my own strength. Because my strength is just as much as a hundred and fifteen pounds will get you.
So the pollen, the sneezing, the fear, the accusation, the dependence on myself… could it be possible that walking through that nastiness just helped me at all?
As I’m sitting and repenting to God for leaving His side, I am reminded on how far I’ve come, how fast I realized what I was dealing with, how much He has changed in my heart this far… and it’s in that the enemy loses his ground of attack.
If any of you have ever been in a long distance relationship, you know that it’s the little things that keep you going. Because there are always the times that you get those sneaky thoughts of, well what if this person really doesn’t like me that much, or what if it’s not going to work out, why am I even doing this if it’s not going to work out. And they always seem to come when that person can’t be there to reassure you, when all you have to rely on is the promises that they have given you. Well you know how much it means to have something to throw back in the face of those thoughts.
Like, no actually I think that he does think I’m a godly woman with integrity, because he told me, and he sent me that cool letter with verses and affirmation of my heart.
(That happened like once… )
Not to say that it’s always that easy though, because I will say that this is probably what makes life so frustrating sometimes. Is choosing truth instead of a lie. Especially when the lie sounds just so much like the truth…. when you just can’t tell the difference.
Fortunately for all of us, life will always continue to push on, so whether or not we find peace that first time… there will always be a second, third, fourth, fifth, and probably many more times for us to practice getting it right. And I keep reminding myself that I don’t have to take to heart other people’s lives or actions, or words, or moods, or leadership styles, or dance moves, or eating habits, or religions. Because ultimately, as hard as it is to accept, I am not responsible for that, or them. And part of MY peace and balance in my grey areas can usually be made much easier by not comparing my life to anyone else’s, and not expecting myself to be like anyone else.
And sometimes smelling the pollen, and getting a good sneeze can be really good for me. Because all the snot that leaves that pretty nose of mine probably didn’t belong in there anyway. And regardless of the sting behind my eyes in the moment, I know that I will be clearer for the next bunch of beauty to come my way.
So go ahead, make your way through that meadow and don’t fear what will come at you, because regardless of what it tells you, regardless of how you feel when it does, regardless of WHAT happens… there will always be more flowers, there will always be more good than bad, there will always be a weekend, a good song, an affirming comment, a look of hope.
I’ll tell you right now.
You are beautiful, your legs are absolutely fine, your beard has come a long way and it looks great (if that applies to ANY ladies… you are beautiful how you are, but you might want to work on that), this won’t last forever, people can always change (if they want to), life is hard sometimes but you’ll always find a light, people are good but God is great.
And as long as I can hold onto those little bits of gold, then I can trust that my balance is on it’s way.
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