spirituality
Why I Couldn’t Be A Mother Today
It was really just one of those days, I think we all know the type. Didn’t sleep good the night before, woke up to a “Flowy” visitor *rolls eyes and hugs abdomen… my husband worked late, and we had only wrapped up the holidays a few days before then. My 15 month old little girl had about 30 minutes before bed time and she was refusing to eat dinner. She made a funny face (my guess over a carrot skin), and promptly decided she wanted nothing to do with what was left on her high chair.
I was in the middle of cooking something else, wasn’t able to console her and after a couple of failed attempts of spoon feeding she was an outright mess. I’m talking tears. The big ones. One even fell on my hand (bonus points for mom guilt). Nose running, red eyes, deep scream – the works.
I was exhausted. I just wanted to do the right thing. If I pick her up to stop crying will that teach her I’m weak and she will assume authority over my emotions? Do I give her a bottle even though I’ve told her countless times that I want her to finish dinner? Do I try to make a statement about being the boss and ignore her frustration?
I tried to call my husband because please Lord let me pass the buck on this. No answer. So I stepped aside for a minute and said a tiny prayer for wisdom and that I wouldn’t scar my precious babe from my lack of experience as a parent.
Here we go.
I made a decision. I got the bottle ready.
While my little one was lying in my lap drinking said bottle I tried to explain to her…
“I want you to understand why I gave you the bottle. It’s not because you cried, although it makes me sad to see you cry, of course. I gave you the bottle because girl I know we both have had a long week. I gave you the bottle because I decided maybe you needed to be close to me instead of those beef and beans (sounds gross, tastes real good I promise, ha).”
Then we put our pajamas on, said our prayers and went to bed.
I’m thinking about what it means to be a mother. In my mind I’ve always thought of a “mother” as the letter of the law; she gives and takes no excuses, she has a schedule and she sticks to it. She’s no nonsense, and she’s tough. Maybe I don’t see a lot of Jesus in that image though. Not that there is anything wrong with organization and rules because how can you expect your life to function if you have no order…
But sometimes, you need a little grace. You don’t need “Mother”, you need “Mom”. You need the comforting, safety of someone who will listen to you with arms open wide (resisting quoting the band Creed). You need someone who will make a decision for you not based on a rule, but based on your individual needs.
So tonight, I was reminded of how much grace God gives me, and how thankful I am when He doesn’t throw rules in my face, but surrounds me in love. Tonight I was reminded of how many times God could have said, “Sorry Anna, rules are rules” but gave me a bottle and held me in his arms instead.
I’m reminded that Love isn’t about buckling or giving in, but it’s about personalized decisions based on personalized needs. And the the needs of a barely toddler are still pretty focused on cuddling.
Tonight when I looked down into the eyes of the little girl who is trusting me to lead her and teach her who she is, all I saw was eyes who needed me and who were thankful for the physical arms that held her.
Tonight I was thankful for the spiritual arms that hold me and who give me balance and grace.
Tonight I don’t think I held the role of Mother very well, but I was pretty damn okay with being Mom instead.
To All The Young Moms
“What a young mom thing to do” I hear her behind me saying, while I’m explaining why I’m not leaving my baby in the daycare at church. She scoffs and continues, Read the rest of this entry »
Not A Cakewalk
There has been so much going on lately, that I finally feel like I can sit down and type through what I have been feeling and it’s not all good things. Read the rest of this entry »
All These Thoughts Tho…
I recently visited a good friend of mine in Colorado who was getting married. Phil was working so I went by myself and let me tell you I felt like a baby whose blankie had been taken away. I talked about Phil so much that I’m sure everyone felt they knew him personally. By the time I left though I felt more self-confident and beautiful then I had in a really long time. Read the rest of this entry »
hello? it’s me.
Excuse my (very long) absence. It feels like so much has been going on but in reality it has been just a lot of waiting, wishing, hoping and praying that so much will happen. Read the rest of this entry »
Why I’m Tired of “Knowing” What Love Is
“How to know if you’re in a relationship that will lead til marriage.” “Is he marriage material?” “10 signs you’re in a relationship that can last.” “The secret to a healthy relationship.” ……
How many of these do you see on a daily basis? And how many times do you click on one, secretly hoping your significant other will pass the test, and that you’ll have gloating rights over all the boyfriends in the world? And how many times does that guy turn out to be a mere human. Let me guess. 9/10 times? (Lol there’s a little hero in all of us). At least this is what I’ve found.
Phil and I have been married for almost two years, so I get it, I don’t have all the experience. But I have some, and I know somewhere out there, someone is bound to find this relatable. I know someone else, guy or gal, is tired of their relationship being undermined by unrealistic expectations and standards. And I DO have a lot of experience in that particular field. I struggled for a long time with basing my standards for my romantic life off of what I read, what I listened to, what I watched, or what I just assumed.
It worked when I was 17, you know? I mean not really, but it was at least at a point where I had room to grow up a little.
When you look at our picture, which is actually from our engagement shoot, I bet you don’t see two people with a past. All you can see is the love we feel for each other. Not the frustration of finding a pose that looks good on us, making sure I like the way my neck looks, trying to make my hair look like it’s manageable. You don’t see the pain from my childhood, our arguments over how to properly assemble our dresser, or the endless piles of dirty dishes that need to be washed.
I read an article this morning titled something along the lines of, “10 ways to know if your relationship is perfect.” There were things along the lines of, are they your best friend, do you love spending time with them, can you cry around them… you know, the usual. Do you respect each other, do you tear one another down when you fight… I think all those are very key, but basically I think what this article was asking, was “are you in love with this person?”.
Spoiler alert, I’m not always in love with my husband. And part of me doesn’t want to say it because, “Oh no! What will people think?!” … And honestly if you want to judge me, have at it. But the truth is, relationships are very difficult. And though I would love to say that I don’t have shortcomings, or that Phil is always perfect, it isn’t true.
We all know this too. There isn’t a person in this world that is a perfect significant other. And I hate “knowing” what my relationship is based on someone else’s life, standards, flaws, hopes, and worldview.
It’s overwhelming, confusing and inaccurate. and I feel that I should defend all us imperfect people.
I think everyone at some point has been hurt, has been lied to, has had a little piece of their heart broken. And everyone at some point will get frustrated, will get angry, will feel hurt or betrayed. Everyone is trying to find their way in life. And the second we start putting lines, conditions, and rules to what a personal and intimate relationship looks like, that’s when we become the judge in someone else’s life.
Now, I’m sure the intent of these articles is purely innocent, and designed to be cute. So I’m not trying to spew my soapbox all over you like a hate-wave. The only point I’m trying to get across, is to remember when you see pictures of smiling faces, articles that take you to nostalgic places, or quizzes that test your compatibility… remember, that everyone is flawed. No one is completely put together. We’re all dragging around a backpack of burdens, trying to find a place to leave it at.
Don’t forget to see that person you’re with through eyes of grace and love. To remember what’s important about love. To forgive them when they fail you. To not base the foundation of who you are on what other people claim to be the “right” way. And to be honest with yourself about who you are, and who your partner is.
Comparing yourself or your partner to other people, or other people’s standards will lead to disappointment. Always. It’s a bottomless pit of mystery. And it’s never satisfied.
Regardless of whether you’re spiritual or not, remember that the person you’re with was created as a beautiful, loved, and individual being. And they should be treated as such.
Life of a Christian in an Adult World
“Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father in haven, which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.
-Mathew 18:18-20”
How He (Still) Loves Us So.
Do you remember coming home after church camp in those high school summers and feeling such an insatiable drive and hunger for God? Jeremy Riddle and David Crowder would hang on your speakers for weeks and Wednesday night youth group was the most exciting night of the week. Read the rest of this entry »
Monday, Monday
It’s almost 9 on Monday morning and the house is a complete wreck.
Almost every room needs attention, and yet I’m finding all I really want to do is sit on our brand-spanking new couches, drink my way-too-strong coffee, and write a blog about something… I don’t really know yet.
As I Lay Me Down
The moments between taking off your makeup and getting yourself into bed, and actually falling asleep can feel a lot more like weeks, not moments. This is prime enemy time, and when all of my thoughts are running around and wandering, I find it to be so much harder to discern which thoughts are mine, which are God’s and which are the enemy’s.
Chew On The Write Words 