faith
Why I Couldn’t Be A Mother Today
It was really just one of those days, I think we all know the type. Didn’t sleep good the night before, woke up to a “Flowy” visitor *rolls eyes and hugs abdomen… my husband worked late, and we had only wrapped up the holidays a few days before then. My 15 month old little girl had about 30 minutes before bed time and she was refusing to eat dinner. She made a funny face (my guess over a carrot skin), and promptly decided she wanted nothing to do with what was left on her high chair.
I was in the middle of cooking something else, wasn’t able to console her and after a couple of failed attempts of spoon feeding she was an outright mess. I’m talking tears. The big ones. One even fell on my hand (bonus points for mom guilt). Nose running, red eyes, deep scream – the works.
I was exhausted. I just wanted to do the right thing. If I pick her up to stop crying will that teach her I’m weak and she will assume authority over my emotions? Do I give her a bottle even though I’ve told her countless times that I want her to finish dinner? Do I try to make a statement about being the boss and ignore her frustration?
I tried to call my husband because please Lord let me pass the buck on this. No answer. So I stepped aside for a minute and said a tiny prayer for wisdom and that I wouldn’t scar my precious babe from my lack of experience as a parent.
Here we go.
I made a decision. I got the bottle ready.
While my little one was lying in my lap drinking said bottle I tried to explain to her…
“I want you to understand why I gave you the bottle. It’s not because you cried, although it makes me sad to see you cry, of course. I gave you the bottle because girl I know we both have had a long week. I gave you the bottle because I decided maybe you needed to be close to me instead of those beef and beans (sounds gross, tastes real good I promise, ha).”
Then we put our pajamas on, said our prayers and went to bed.
I’m thinking about what it means to be a mother. In my mind I’ve always thought of a “mother” as the letter of the law; she gives and takes no excuses, she has a schedule and she sticks to it. She’s no nonsense, and she’s tough. Maybe I don’t see a lot of Jesus in that image though. Not that there is anything wrong with organization and rules because how can you expect your life to function if you have no order…
But sometimes, you need a little grace. You don’t need “Mother”, you need “Mom”. You need the comforting, safety of someone who will listen to you with arms open wide (resisting quoting the band Creed). You need someone who will make a decision for you not based on a rule, but based on your individual needs.
So tonight, I was reminded of how much grace God gives me, and how thankful I am when He doesn’t throw rules in my face, but surrounds me in love. Tonight I was reminded of how many times God could have said, “Sorry Anna, rules are rules” but gave me a bottle and held me in his arms instead.
I’m reminded that Love isn’t about buckling or giving in, but it’s about personalized decisions based on personalized needs. And the the needs of a barely toddler are still pretty focused on cuddling.
Tonight when I looked down into the eyes of the little girl who is trusting me to lead her and teach her who she is, all I saw was eyes who needed me and who were thankful for the physical arms that held her.
Tonight I was thankful for the spiritual arms that hold me and who give me balance and grace.
Tonight I don’t think I held the role of Mother very well, but I was pretty damn okay with being Mom instead.
That Fire Tho…
I woke up this morning with a feeling I think we all can relate to. Shame, and regret. That feeling that creeps around your heart reminding you of something you wish you hadn’t done, or had done differently. I had a thought in that moment, “if you don’t want to feel shame, don’t do shameful things.”
My head immediately starting spinning, trying to make sense of that statement, and then it occurred to me — that thought, is not how Jesus works.
Jesus says, “let me take that hole in your heart, that space that shame is driving a jackhammer into, and let me just fill it up with a spring of water and love.”
Jesus doesn’t wait either, until we’ve stopped doing shameful things to fulfill this invitation and promise. He doesn’t say, “ugh Anna, I see that you’ve done something shameful. I’m just going to put a pause on all my wonderful plans for you until you become a little closer to perfect.”
And I started really thinking about it… shame, and anxiety and all that fear that goes with shame are such narcissists. They keep you in this tiny bubble of “me” and “I”.
What have “I” done wrong? Why did “I” do that? Why can’t “I” be better? Why am “I” always doing that?? Say from the time I wake up in the morning that feeling just follows me around and all day I’m stuck in this bubble with shame and “me”.
Guess what? There’s no room for anyone else in that bubble. Certainly not for Jesus. Shame is big, at least he pretends like he is. If I’m in that bubble all day, nobody sees me. Maybe I force a smile here and there but ultimately I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy, I need to wallow in my regret in order to atone and really grasp my imperfection, because only then will I get better.
Jesus however, doesn’t work on my heart like that. He takes me just as I am, and maybe that HUGE mistake wasn’t even so big to begin with. What if God isn’t this scary parent with a constant magnifying glass on our sin?
What if I went to Him and “confessed” something and He kind of chuckled and said, “Okay yeah girl, for sure not the best call but hey, I can see what that shame is doing to you. Come here for a minute and let me give you a big hug. Let me just fill you up a little where that shame is draining your light and fire.”
If you’re ashamed, you’re not on fire. And the world NEEDS YOUR FIRE. God made that super specific spark that only you have, and it makes HIM sad too, to see how awful shame treats you and leaves you feeling.
Jesus isn’t a bully, and when the H. Spirit talks to you, he isn’t up in your face accusingly, wagging a finger in disgrace. He’s kind, encouraging, and gives you tips and tricks on how to improve.
Just a little encouraging word this morning. The world needs what you have, and shame wants to steal it.
Love y’all ❤️
To All The Young Moms
“What a young mom thing to do” I hear her behind me saying, while I’m explaining why I’m not leaving my baby in the daycare at church. She scoffs and continues, Read the rest of this entry »
Why I Seriously Love Being A Woman Sometimes
This is a follow up, of sorts to my latest post “Why I Seriously Hate Being A Woman Sometimes” so if you haven’t read it… well just do.
Read the rest of this entry »
Life of a Christian in an Adult World
“Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father in haven, which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.
-Mathew 18:18-20”
How He (Still) Loves Us So.
Do you remember coming home after church camp in those high school summers and feeling such an insatiable drive and hunger for God? Jeremy Riddle and David Crowder would hang on your speakers for weeks and Wednesday night youth group was the most exciting night of the week. Read the rest of this entry »
Monday, Monday
It’s almost 9 on Monday morning and the house is a complete wreck.
Almost every room needs attention, and yet I’m finding all I really want to do is sit on our brand-spanking new couches, drink my way-too-strong coffee, and write a blog about something… I don’t really know yet.
Not Given To Much Whine
So Phil and I live in S. Korea. We’ve been here for a couple months and are still working on getting settled and finding our niche in our neighborhood. This has been particularly difficult in regards to food. Grocery shopping, eating out, sending Phil with lunches, finding markets with cool things… really, I’ve just had a disappointing time. The language barrier has to be the toughest thing, because you can’t buy anything if you don’t know how much it is, can’t ask how much it is, it might be priced higher because you’re American, and that’s even if you can decipher how to get there in the first place.
It isn’t that I don’t like Korean food, but they barely use salt
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Spiritual Richness
What is our responsibility as spiritual beings? Who is our responsibility? Is it safe to say that our own spirits are our responsibility?
I find that so many times, Christians fall to the wayside when it comes to stirring up our own spirits. Stopping sin in it’s tracks the minute it starts to creep in, and taking responsibility of our sanctification and spiritual health.
Often times you hear things come from Believer’s that sound like God has control of their life, but actually what is ruling them is passivity and fear. Asking God for an answer to every decision we make is wasting a perfectly good brain and will of our own that He gave us. I don’t think God ever intended us to be drones, to walk throughout life using Him as a crutch.
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Just Dill With It, Okay?
Man, I just love dill. When I worked at a wedding venue I had the pleasure of assisting in some of the catering preparation and we made these delightful cucumber canapes, which featured an absolutely insane dill spread. It was there that my love for dill was birthed and I have never looked back. It’s such an underrated herb; with such a light taste that can accent or star as the main seasoning. It leaves your mouth tasting fresh and your stomach feeling like whatever you just ate must have been healthy for you. What a hidden gem. One of my staples in cooking, no matter the occasion, or time of the day, it is always appropriate to dash (or splash) some dill on, making every main entree a starlet, in the limelight of glory, just waiting to be devoured.
Well I’ve been wondering lately, is it really the dill that I love so much, or is it perhaps that I have found something I like and am using it in excess in hopes of everything will be just as good as those canapes. I have known myself to do this at times. To find something that I love so much, and then ruthlessly push myself into perfectionism trying to make all of my 7 or so years of cooking (or learning to cook) add up to my teacher’s more than twenty. It’s so challenging sometimes to see the end result, to know what it looks like, what it tastes like, what it feels like, and yet not have the experience to make that ideal thing belong to me.
It’s like how you can go have a lunch (or go to a marriage conference) with an older couple who have years and years of experiences, memories, doing it right and wrong, and ultimately who have put time and patience into their relationship, and now are seeing the fruit of that. They have a great relationship. And you go home, and have to deal with still having crap in your own relationship and life. Hearing women talk about how they’ve dealt with some really difficult challenges, and how they came out the other side victorious, and really wanting to do the same thing, but just not bring at that place yet… well that can just really suck.
Phil and I had the same sort of thing happen to us. We heard all of this information of how to work through your problems, how wonderful it was to be in a marriage with a man who loves you and a woman who loves you, and basically seeing the “light” (so to speak) at the end of the tunnel of what an amazing marriage could look like – and then we came back to reality, and honest to God tried to apply everything that we had learned and really wanted to work through in a mature, loving, patient and kind manner.
Well THAT sure didn’t work.
We still had the exact same problems, if not a few more stirred up. And we went through an entire week of bickering at each other, pushing out every kind of negativity you probably could imagine, and ultimately being just so confused that it was happening, because we really thought we were going to do so good. And I suppose it wasn’t that we were doing bad, but gathering all of that stuff together and trying to make six months into twenty years in a day just does not happen. And that is so frustrating. Why can I just not be perfect, already?! Why is that I know that I’m just word vomiting all over him, and I know it’s wrong and I know what I’m supposed to be doing but I can just not seem to get a handle on myself.
After a long week of feeling distant from each other, seriously irritated with each other, and more short tempered than we had ever been, we decided to go for a drive. He just picked a direction and drove, and it was on a long road going to nowhere we came to peace with each other and the fact that we just are, where we are. And trying to get anywhere that fast wasn’t going to work for either of us. Really it’s trying to cheat the system. It’s wanting to get to the end without doing half of the work.
So we looked at each other, forgave one another (and ourselves) and released each other to just take our time in getting to twenty years. And since then, our home has been at peace. Dealing with it doesn’t always necessarily mean taking all of your issues and shoving them down each others throats (okay, it never means that), but sometimes it means accepting life for what it is, imperfect and sometimes a little rocky. Sometimes I mix weird things with dill that don’t taste good, and the only thing I can do afterwards is suck up my pride, let go of the expectation that I set on myself to be perfect at everything, and live life a little better. Turns out, it’s much better.
Anna’s Crispy Baked Dill Drumsticks
However Many Drumsticks You Want
Whatever Herbs You Want
Some Oil
Some Salt (I Used Garlic Salt)
So you preheat the oven to 425 degrees (Fahrenheit) and try to separate the chicken skin from the meat
and stuff your herbs in there. I used fresh basil, thyme, and of course dill. Bake it for like 22 minutes and turn them over,
and bake for another 25 minutes or so.
Anna’s Homemade Chips
I Used 4 Medium Red Potatoes and 1 Sweet Potato
Some Oil
Some Coarse Sea Salt
Some Dried Dill
Some Garlic Salt
Just A Little Cayenne Pepper
These can be baked at the same time and temperature as the drumsticks.I sliced them thinly,
and put them on oiled foil, in a single layer with no overlaps. I turned them over when the first timer
for the chicken went off. But they came out a little before the second timer, it just really depends
on how you like your chips. I put them in a bowl lined in paper towels and added the salt, cayenne, and dill just gradually,
and gave them a nice shake to evenly coat them. But you can add whatever you like.
Chew On The Write Words 