Emotional Health
Why I Couldn’t Be A Mother Today
It was really just one of those days, I think we all know the type. Didn’t sleep good the night before, woke up to a “Flowy” visitor *rolls eyes and hugs abdomen… my husband worked late, and we had only wrapped up the holidays a few days before then. My 15 month old little girl had about 30 minutes before bed time and she was refusing to eat dinner. She made a funny face (my guess over a carrot skin), and promptly decided she wanted nothing to do with what was left on her high chair.
I was in the middle of cooking something else, wasn’t able to console her and after a couple of failed attempts of spoon feeding she was an outright mess. I’m talking tears. The big ones. One even fell on my hand (bonus points for mom guilt). Nose running, red eyes, deep scream – the works.
I was exhausted. I just wanted to do the right thing. If I pick her up to stop crying will that teach her I’m weak and she will assume authority over my emotions? Do I give her a bottle even though I’ve told her countless times that I want her to finish dinner? Do I try to make a statement about being the boss and ignore her frustration?
I tried to call my husband because please Lord let me pass the buck on this. No answer. So I stepped aside for a minute and said a tiny prayer for wisdom and that I wouldn’t scar my precious babe from my lack of experience as a parent.
Here we go.
I made a decision. I got the bottle ready.
While my little one was lying in my lap drinking said bottle I tried to explain to her…
“I want you to understand why I gave you the bottle. It’s not because you cried, although it makes me sad to see you cry, of course. I gave you the bottle because girl I know we both have had a long week. I gave you the bottle because I decided maybe you needed to be close to me instead of those beef and beans (sounds gross, tastes real good I promise, ha).”
Then we put our pajamas on, said our prayers and went to bed.
I’m thinking about what it means to be a mother. In my mind I’ve always thought of a “mother” as the letter of the law; she gives and takes no excuses, she has a schedule and she sticks to it. She’s no nonsense, and she’s tough. Maybe I don’t see a lot of Jesus in that image though. Not that there is anything wrong with organization and rules because how can you expect your life to function if you have no order…
But sometimes, you need a little grace. You don’t need “Mother”, you need “Mom”. You need the comforting, safety of someone who will listen to you with arms open wide (resisting quoting the band Creed). You need someone who will make a decision for you not based on a rule, but based on your individual needs.
So tonight, I was reminded of how much grace God gives me, and how thankful I am when He doesn’t throw rules in my face, but surrounds me in love. Tonight I was reminded of how many times God could have said, “Sorry Anna, rules are rules” but gave me a bottle and held me in his arms instead.
I’m reminded that Love isn’t about buckling or giving in, but it’s about personalized decisions based on personalized needs. And the the needs of a barely toddler are still pretty focused on cuddling.
Tonight when I looked down into the eyes of the little girl who is trusting me to lead her and teach her who she is, all I saw was eyes who needed me and who were thankful for the physical arms that held her.
Tonight I was thankful for the spiritual arms that hold me and who give me balance and grace.
Tonight I don’t think I held the role of Mother very well, but I was pretty damn okay with being Mom instead.
That Fire Tho…
I woke up this morning with a feeling I think we all can relate to. Shame, and regret. That feeling that creeps around your heart reminding you of something you wish you hadn’t done, or had done differently. I had a thought in that moment, “if you don’t want to feel shame, don’t do shameful things.”
My head immediately starting spinning, trying to make sense of that statement, and then it occurred to me — that thought, is not how Jesus works.
Jesus says, “let me take that hole in your heart, that space that shame is driving a jackhammer into, and let me just fill it up with a spring of water and love.”
Jesus doesn’t wait either, until we’ve stopped doing shameful things to fulfill this invitation and promise. He doesn’t say, “ugh Anna, I see that you’ve done something shameful. I’m just going to put a pause on all my wonderful plans for you until you become a little closer to perfect.”
And I started really thinking about it… shame, and anxiety and all that fear that goes with shame are such narcissists. They keep you in this tiny bubble of “me” and “I”.
What have “I” done wrong? Why did “I” do that? Why can’t “I” be better? Why am “I” always doing that?? Say from the time I wake up in the morning that feeling just follows me around and all day I’m stuck in this bubble with shame and “me”.
Guess what? There’s no room for anyone else in that bubble. Certainly not for Jesus. Shame is big, at least he pretends like he is. If I’m in that bubble all day, nobody sees me. Maybe I force a smile here and there but ultimately I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy, I need to wallow in my regret in order to atone and really grasp my imperfection, because only then will I get better.
Jesus however, doesn’t work on my heart like that. He takes me just as I am, and maybe that HUGE mistake wasn’t even so big to begin with. What if God isn’t this scary parent with a constant magnifying glass on our sin?
What if I went to Him and “confessed” something and He kind of chuckled and said, “Okay yeah girl, for sure not the best call but hey, I can see what that shame is doing to you. Come here for a minute and let me give you a big hug. Let me just fill you up a little where that shame is draining your light and fire.”
If you’re ashamed, you’re not on fire. And the world NEEDS YOUR FIRE. God made that super specific spark that only you have, and it makes HIM sad too, to see how awful shame treats you and leaves you feeling.
Jesus isn’t a bully, and when the H. Spirit talks to you, he isn’t up in your face accusingly, wagging a finger in disgrace. He’s kind, encouraging, and gives you tips and tricks on how to improve.
Just a little encouraging word this morning. The world needs what you have, and shame wants to steal it.
Love y’all ❤️
To All The Young Moms
“What a young mom thing to do” I hear her behind me saying, while I’m explaining why I’m not leaving my baby in the daycare at church. She scoffs and continues, Read the rest of this entry »
Why I Seriously Love Being A Woman Sometimes
This is a follow up, of sorts to my latest post “Why I Seriously Hate Being A Woman Sometimes” so if you haven’t read it… well just do.
Read the rest of this entry »
Why I Seriously Hate Being A Woman Sometimes…
I know, I know. International women’s day was JUST here and maybe it makes me less of a feminist or a traitor to my kind but seriously I just hate being a woman sometimes.
When you’re a single woman, you’re defined by such things as: career-driven success, sexual awareness, college degrees, if you model, where you live, if you have a boyfriend —
When you get engaged, you hear: how did he propose, how big is your ring, are you having a summer wedding, did you cry, how will you announce, who will your bridesmaids be and how will you ask them —
After you get married the silent questions of strangers are: how often do you have sex, does he post romantic, effortless, and natural sounding random things on Facebook about you, is he also a feminist, does he want kids right away, has the “honeymoon” phase worn off, do you guys fight now —
And of course after you have a baby: how did you give birth, was it natural, how long did you labor, what did you register for, how big is your baby, is she sitting up, is she smiling, is she rolling over, if so was it before mine, how much does she weigh now, can she talk yet, is she running because my 9 year old is running, does she speak 4 languages yet, oh you’re NOT getting vaccinated, does she sleep through the night, have her eyes changed color yet, and THE question – have you lost the baby weight —
Most people don’t come right out and say these but they are plastered all over our lives. I could throw up at how many times I’ve had women ask me if I want one of those wraps. Because I guess I look like the kind of person who is trying to “bounce back” in a hurry. Newsflash: babies. need. squish. They want boobs, real boobs to lay on. A soft tummy and nice floppy arms. They want to fall asleep on something they can sink into. But we are so obsessed with comparing ourselves to some other version of ourselves or other women that it feels like we’re doing something wrong if we don’t look like the “hot mom”.
I’m not condoning making unwise or unhealthy choices. Because we deserve to live well, and our bodies are worth taking care of. But real life mamas, they probably don’t have rock hard abs all the time. They just don’t. ********* Hey if you’re doing a workout program right now, or if you coach one, I’m not trying to be ugly. Because the world needs people like you. And there are a lot of mama’s who want and need some help getting things together again. You’re good people and keep it up.
I stepped on the scale the other day and I’m back in the 120’s, and I feel pretty great about that. And when I look at my belly, it’s still soft as a nice bowl of pudding, and I also feel pretty okay about that too. You know what I hate? I hate feeling like as soon as my personal growth is thrown out into the social media world, it’s combatted or surpassed by someone else’s bigger and better growth.
I don’t want people to know sometimes. I honestly don’t. Elena is such a good baby. She’s slept through the night since about 5 weeks. She was tongue tied and still figured out nursing like a champ. She has slept in her own room multiple times and doesn’t ever cry (unless that doggone pacifier falls out…), she naps on a schedule for usually over an hour and a half each time, I can bring her with me to any room I’m in and complete whatever housework I need to, she doesn’t hate being left alone, she loves people holding her but also is okay when they don’t, she likes sleeping on her own, she loves baths and showers and doesn’t even cry if water gets on her face, she loves our animals and she loves us so much – and I can feel she knows she is loved. But. Our lives are not perfect.
But the second that you tell the world all of your good news, you feel guilty. Or you get comments like, “just wait until the second gets here”. Or your friends don’t comment or like your statuses because it makes them feel bad if their baby doesn’t do that. Why do our lives revolve around the success or demise of other people to the extent that we can’t be happy for our sisters when good things happen to them.
Because yeah I stepped on that scale and saw a number that I liked. But 6 months ago when I was in the throes of late pregnancy, with the Alabama sun giving me real bad under boob sweat, I wasn’t liking the number I saw. But guess what. Literally every woman in the world feels like that about something. Big freaking deal.
Why can’t we laugh at the struggles in our own lives and push them aside when someone needs our support more. This is when I hate the Instagram world so much. These beautiful women who post beautifully posed and edited pictures of their lives, with or without kids – the message is the same. It has created this bubble of lies that we all fall into. This need to be a perfectly edited picture. Not real. Not with acne, not with bed head hair that doesn’t look cute, not with clothes that don’t fit us yet.
This need for women to be a certain way and look a certain way and present themselves in a certain way, we want to say it’s because of men but it’s not. We do this to ourselves and each other.
Enough. Just enough of it, already. Honestly I could care less about how far you got in college. Why? Because it’s your business not mine. I think it’s awesome that your baby was born with a full set of adult teeth and speaking complex sentences. Whatever. It literally means nothing about my baby or my life. I don’t care if you go out and model on the weekends and I don’t. Why? Because why should I care.
I think we are so far away from loving each other. We present this “feminism” idea of supporting and empowering one another but I have never in my life encountered so many women on a regular basis that struggle with depression and/or anxiety.
Would it be so impossible to just be a blank slate. Be friendly to each other, love on each other, support one another’s success and don’t try to make it about yourself. Can we try to not be so insecure in our own strengths that we have to tear apart other women’s fears in order to make our own not seem so scary.
Not A Cakewalk
There has been so much going on lately, that I finally feel like I can sit down and type through what I have been feeling and it’s not all good things. Read the rest of this entry »
Why I’m Tired of “Knowing” What Love Is
“How to know if you’re in a relationship that will lead til marriage.” “Is he marriage material?” “10 signs you’re in a relationship that can last.” “The secret to a healthy relationship.” ……
How many of these do you see on a daily basis? And how many times do you click on one, secretly hoping your significant other will pass the test, and that you’ll have gloating rights over all the boyfriends in the world? And how many times does that guy turn out to be a mere human. Let me guess. 9/10 times? (Lol there’s a little hero in all of us). At least this is what I’ve found.
Phil and I have been married for almost two years, so I get it, I don’t have all the experience. But I have some, and I know somewhere out there, someone is bound to find this relatable. I know someone else, guy or gal, is tired of their relationship being undermined by unrealistic expectations and standards. And I DO have a lot of experience in that particular field. I struggled for a long time with basing my standards for my romantic life off of what I read, what I listened to, what I watched, or what I just assumed.
It worked when I was 17, you know? I mean not really, but it was at least at a point where I had room to grow up a little.
When you look at our picture, which is actually from our engagement shoot, I bet you don’t see two people with a past. All you can see is the love we feel for each other. Not the frustration of finding a pose that looks good on us, making sure I like the way my neck looks, trying to make my hair look like it’s manageable. You don’t see the pain from my childhood, our arguments over how to properly assemble our dresser, or the endless piles of dirty dishes that need to be washed.
I read an article this morning titled something along the lines of, “10 ways to know if your relationship is perfect.” There were things along the lines of, are they your best friend, do you love spending time with them, can you cry around them… you know, the usual. Do you respect each other, do you tear one another down when you fight… I think all those are very key, but basically I think what this article was asking, was “are you in love with this person?”.
Spoiler alert, I’m not always in love with my husband. And part of me doesn’t want to say it because, “Oh no! What will people think?!” … And honestly if you want to judge me, have at it. But the truth is, relationships are very difficult. And though I would love to say that I don’t have shortcomings, or that Phil is always perfect, it isn’t true.
We all know this too. There isn’t a person in this world that is a perfect significant other. And I hate “knowing” what my relationship is based on someone else’s life, standards, flaws, hopes, and worldview.
It’s overwhelming, confusing and inaccurate. and I feel that I should defend all us imperfect people.
I think everyone at some point has been hurt, has been lied to, has had a little piece of their heart broken. And everyone at some point will get frustrated, will get angry, will feel hurt or betrayed. Everyone is trying to find their way in life. And the second we start putting lines, conditions, and rules to what a personal and intimate relationship looks like, that’s when we become the judge in someone else’s life.
Now, I’m sure the intent of these articles is purely innocent, and designed to be cute. So I’m not trying to spew my soapbox all over you like a hate-wave. The only point I’m trying to get across, is to remember when you see pictures of smiling faces, articles that take you to nostalgic places, or quizzes that test your compatibility… remember, that everyone is flawed. No one is completely put together. We’re all dragging around a backpack of burdens, trying to find a place to leave it at.
Don’t forget to see that person you’re with through eyes of grace and love. To remember what’s important about love. To forgive them when they fail you. To not base the foundation of who you are on what other people claim to be the “right” way. And to be honest with yourself about who you are, and who your partner is.
Comparing yourself or your partner to other people, or other people’s standards will lead to disappointment. Always. It’s a bottomless pit of mystery. And it’s never satisfied.
Regardless of whether you’re spiritual or not, remember that the person you’re with was created as a beautiful, loved, and individual being. And they should be treated as such.
Chew On The Write Words 