daily growth
To All The Young Moms
“What a young mom thing to do” I hear her behind me saying, while I’m explaining why I’m not leaving my baby in the daycare at church. She scoffs and continues, Read the rest of this entry »
Life of a Christian in an Adult World
“Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father in haven, which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.
-Mathew 18:18-20”
How He (Still) Loves Us So.
Do you remember coming home after church camp in those high school summers and feeling such an insatiable drive and hunger for God? Jeremy Riddle and David Crowder would hang on your speakers for weeks and Wednesday night youth group was the most exciting night of the week. Read the rest of this entry »
Monday, Monday
It’s almost 9 on Monday morning and the house is a complete wreck.
Almost every room needs attention, and yet I’m finding all I really want to do is sit on our brand-spanking new couches, drink my way-too-strong coffee, and write a blog about something… I don’t really know yet.
Not Given To Much Whine
So Phil and I live in S. Korea. We’ve been here for a couple months and are still working on getting settled and finding our niche in our neighborhood. This has been particularly difficult in regards to food. Grocery shopping, eating out, sending Phil with lunches, finding markets with cool things… really, I’ve just had a disappointing time. The language barrier has to be the toughest thing, because you can’t buy anything if you don’t know how much it is, can’t ask how much it is, it might be priced higher because you’re American, and that’s even if you can decipher how to get there in the first place.
It isn’t that I don’t like Korean food, but they barely use salt
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Spiritual Richness
What is our responsibility as spiritual beings? Who is our responsibility? Is it safe to say that our own spirits are our responsibility?
I find that so many times, Christians fall to the wayside when it comes to stirring up our own spirits. Stopping sin in it’s tracks the minute it starts to creep in, and taking responsibility of our sanctification and spiritual health.
Often times you hear things come from Believer’s that sound like God has control of their life, but actually what is ruling them is passivity and fear. Asking God for an answer to every decision we make is wasting a perfectly good brain and will of our own that He gave us. I don’t think God ever intended us to be drones, to walk throughout life using Him as a crutch.
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Things That You Realize When You’re Not Looking For Anything.
“I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”
-Psalm 91:2
I was reading this passage earlier and it really challenged me and I thought I’d share my personal thoughts.
I think trusting God can sometimes get a little blurry as to what it actually entails, what it means on a daily basis, and maybe how it has gotten misconstrued. I mean I know for me personally, that I don’t always FEEL like doing what I should, or what I know I need to, or maybe even what God has asked me to… but I don’t usually look at those types of situations as not trusting God. It’s usually a matter of free will, right?
A friend of mine and I were taking a walk and talking about married life and life with kids (she and her husband have an incredible baby girl), and how it can be challenging to adapt to the life of trusting someone else’s input – especially the times you might disagree with it.
Growing up as an independent woman with a good sense of herself (whatever that means, right?), and a pretty good head on her shoulders, learning to adjust to having another human as such a major part of my life, my decision making and my future, well it can seem kind of daunting.
I’ve struggled with a lot of perfectionism and feeling like my identity and all that I am rests on whether or not I answer “it” right, especially in my relationship with God. Trusting God when you’re single versus when you’re married has to be one of the most incomparable things in life. Now maybe to all you ladies who have been married for over a year, bear with me because I’m only learning and maybe the secret is right around the corner. The decisions I made when I was single affected (for the most part) only myself. Obviously they affected SOME other people, but you know what I mean? All you had to do was look out for numero uno. Make sure that you stayed out of sin and rough situations based on your own actions alone.
But marriage. That’s my heart AND his heart. THAT’S A WHOLE OTHER HEART!
It’s a weird place to be. Because honestly, loving my husband is one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. He is compassionate, he’s empathetic, he’s kind, he is by far the funniest person I’ve ever known, not to mention his good looks cause I could go on all day about those… no he has never been a difficult person to be in love with. He’s always the first one to repent, he always wants peace in our home, he stands up for me and defends my honor, and always keeps me safe. I mean…heh, I definitely scored.
And then there are the moments when I disagree with one of his decisions, and I have to decide in my heart, whether to trust him or not. And those moments can honestly be the most difficult. Because I’m not just choosing to trust him, but I’m also choosing to trust God. Let’s face it, Phil isn’t always right, but God gave him to me as my covering, to follow him and honor him with my trust. And theoretically if your husband loves God and is pursuing a relationship with Him then his decisions will in turn reflect more of God, which is of course, always right.
Now this goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway, if you’re in an abusive or ungodly relationship, and your spouse’s decisions are causing harm to you or your family (in any sense), there are different verses for that. And God by no means endorses women (or men) to be victims. So if that is your situation, please have the courage to change it.
With that being said, that is not my case at all. And I suppose what I’m trying to get at is, although he might make the wrong choice and fail, knowing that he’ll be loved and trusted anyway, makes a world of difference. And me choosing to accept the fact that I am not the leader of my home, and though contrary to occasional belief, I DON’T actually know everything, maybe it will make those moments easier to tackle.
Just Dill With It, Okay?
Man, I just love dill. When I worked at a wedding venue I had the pleasure of assisting in some of the catering preparation and we made these delightful cucumber canapes, which featured an absolutely insane dill spread. It was there that my love for dill was birthed and I have never looked back. It’s such an underrated herb; with such a light taste that can accent or star as the main seasoning. It leaves your mouth tasting fresh and your stomach feeling like whatever you just ate must have been healthy for you. What a hidden gem. One of my staples in cooking, no matter the occasion, or time of the day, it is always appropriate to dash (or splash) some dill on, making every main entree a starlet, in the limelight of glory, just waiting to be devoured.
Well I’ve been wondering lately, is it really the dill that I love so much, or is it perhaps that I have found something I like and am using it in excess in hopes of everything will be just as good as those canapes. I have known myself to do this at times. To find something that I love so much, and then ruthlessly push myself into perfectionism trying to make all of my 7 or so years of cooking (or learning to cook) add up to my teacher’s more than twenty. It’s so challenging sometimes to see the end result, to know what it looks like, what it tastes like, what it feels like, and yet not have the experience to make that ideal thing belong to me.
It’s like how you can go have a lunch (or go to a marriage conference) with an older couple who have years and years of experiences, memories, doing it right and wrong, and ultimately who have put time and patience into their relationship, and now are seeing the fruit of that. They have a great relationship. And you go home, and have to deal with still having crap in your own relationship and life. Hearing women talk about how they’ve dealt with some really difficult challenges, and how they came out the other side victorious, and really wanting to do the same thing, but just not bring at that place yet… well that can just really suck.
Phil and I had the same sort of thing happen to us. We heard all of this information of how to work through your problems, how wonderful it was to be in a marriage with a man who loves you and a woman who loves you, and basically seeing the “light” (so to speak) at the end of the tunnel of what an amazing marriage could look like – and then we came back to reality, and honest to God tried to apply everything that we had learned and really wanted to work through in a mature, loving, patient and kind manner.
Well THAT sure didn’t work.
We still had the exact same problems, if not a few more stirred up. And we went through an entire week of bickering at each other, pushing out every kind of negativity you probably could imagine, and ultimately being just so confused that it was happening, because we really thought we were going to do so good. And I suppose it wasn’t that we were doing bad, but gathering all of that stuff together and trying to make six months into twenty years in a day just does not happen. And that is so frustrating. Why can I just not be perfect, already?! Why is that I know that I’m just word vomiting all over him, and I know it’s wrong and I know what I’m supposed to be doing but I can just not seem to get a handle on myself.
After a long week of feeling distant from each other, seriously irritated with each other, and more short tempered than we had ever been, we decided to go for a drive. He just picked a direction and drove, and it was on a long road going to nowhere we came to peace with each other and the fact that we just are, where we are. And trying to get anywhere that fast wasn’t going to work for either of us. Really it’s trying to cheat the system. It’s wanting to get to the end without doing half of the work.
So we looked at each other, forgave one another (and ourselves) and released each other to just take our time in getting to twenty years. And since then, our home has been at peace. Dealing with it doesn’t always necessarily mean taking all of your issues and shoving them down each others throats (okay, it never means that), but sometimes it means accepting life for what it is, imperfect and sometimes a little rocky. Sometimes I mix weird things with dill that don’t taste good, and the only thing I can do afterwards is suck up my pride, let go of the expectation that I set on myself to be perfect at everything, and live life a little better. Turns out, it’s much better.
Anna’s Crispy Baked Dill Drumsticks
However Many Drumsticks You Want
Whatever Herbs You Want
Some Oil
Some Salt (I Used Garlic Salt)
So you preheat the oven to 425 degrees (Fahrenheit) and try to separate the chicken skin from the meat
and stuff your herbs in there. I used fresh basil, thyme, and of course dill. Bake it for like 22 minutes and turn them over,
and bake for another 25 minutes or so.
Anna’s Homemade Chips
I Used 4 Medium Red Potatoes and 1 Sweet Potato
Some Oil
Some Coarse Sea Salt
Some Dried Dill
Some Garlic Salt
Just A Little Cayenne Pepper
These can be baked at the same time and temperature as the drumsticks.I sliced them thinly,
and put them on oiled foil, in a single layer with no overlaps. I turned them over when the first timer
for the chicken went off. But they came out a little before the second timer, it just really depends
on how you like your chips. I put them in a bowl lined in paper towels and added the salt, cayenne, and dill just gradually,
and gave them a nice shake to evenly coat them. But you can add whatever you like.
Stop and Smell the Pollen.
Finding your balance in daily struggles can sometimes be very challenging. There are those thick lines, the very black and white decisions (don’t put an axe to your neighbor’s left arm just because his dogs barked ALL FREAKING DAY, don’t put your head inside the oven to get a better look at your lasagna, don’t sing worship songs in a chipmunk voice, and don’t put your laundry in the dryer with the expectation that it will fold itself while inside) and then there are your grey areas… the times that you just don’t know what to do. And it’s those times that overthinking gets his money’s worth.
How do I know what’s the line between giving too much of a crap, not giving enough of a crap and giving just the right amount of crap about life’s problems, other people’s problems and everything in the cracks.
It. Is. Exhausting.
Am I bad person because I don’t have a job, because I’m not pregnant yet, because I’m twenty-three and married, because sometimes I don’t agree with the government and what they stand for, because I forget to read my Bible and I have the hardest time getting through Leviticus and Numbers, because I drink coffee too late in the day and then get all cold-sweaty and nervous. Am I a bad wife when the house isn’t clean, or when I really don’t want to cook dinner, or don’t make the bed until ten minutes before he gets home?
Sometimes it feels like life can be going just beautifully, just everything is going quite nicely, like you’re walking down through a field and every now and again you get a whiff of something just lovely. I adore the smell of flowers and sometimes I feel like my life is one big smell of a daffodil. Like I’m really motivated and doing what I need to be doing, the days aren’t going by too fast or slow, my husband and I are working through the things we need to in a very mature and sensitive manner… and then all of a sudden I get a big itch in my nose, and I sneeze, and then all hell breaks loose in my heart and mind.
I’m registering for this marriage conference that Phil and I are really excited to go to at our home church in Georgia, and I’m talking to this lady who has always been very dear to my heart, I tell her I want to register and she says,
“So you’re signing up as church members I guess?
…………………………………
I GUESS..?”
Sigh. There it is. Just a little judgement and I feel my heart fall apart. I feel defensive and angry now, upset that she clearly doesn’t understand that we live almost seven hours away and can’t make it to church every Sunday. And I’m heart broken that she isn’t standing up for me, that she has taken the opposing side and is offering me criticism with just two words. Those two words have planted a little seed in my heart and mind and hours later when I’m laying in bed, ready to go to sleep I start to think over all my decisions of that day.
Was the dress that I wanted to get for the military ball too short, well I didn’t want to seem like a floozy, or like I was showing off, and not even like I had room to because my legs were NOT in the best shape, now that I think about it my stomach is looking a little flabby too. I mean I don’t look bad but I should probably eat less, or maybe drink less, I probably drink more than I should, but I’m twenty-three – should I be worried right now about how much is too much, my Dad struggled with addiction, maybe I am just like him after all, where does she get off being rude to me, she has her own crap to deal with…
The flowers smell is gone. All of it. And I am left with a big honking punch of pollen. What a buzz kill.
Then comes the masses of overthinking. And now all my balance is gone too. My life is a mess, I am a mess, I don’t feel good about myself and I’m just sure that everyone is thinking the same things about me. God is probably disappointed in me as a daughter, Phil probably thinks I’m a bad wife, and on top of everything I picked a bad dress for the ball.
I am just exhausted now. My balance is meshed between guilt and accusation and my peace is somewhere in the background whispering,
“Hey that’s not God, you know your Dad doesn’t care about the size of your legs, He just wants the Faith in your heart. “
And I’m like,
“Okay yeah I get it, will you just hold on a minute cause I’m sort of busy over here feeling sorry for myself and being super worried about my appearance and all the things in my life that I can’t control.”
What a mess.
And honestly, there is truth to everything the enemy tells you, but the difference between him telling you and God telling you is that when God tells you, YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING. God can come in like a soft rain or like a bolt of lightning, but He will always have a solution for you. Satan comes in telling you that YOU messed up and YOU have to change it or else YOU will be in trouble. And all of a sudden the focus of my life has become myself.
The thing about balance is that it has to be peaceful. And my life can’t have peace when I’m constantly trying to make myself good enough. Or when I’m trying to work out things based on my own strength. Because my strength is just as much as a hundred and fifteen pounds will get you.
So the pollen, the sneezing, the fear, the accusation, the dependence on myself… could it be possible that walking through that nastiness just helped me at all?
As I’m sitting and repenting to God for leaving His side, I am reminded on how far I’ve come, how fast I realized what I was dealing with, how much He has changed in my heart this far… and it’s in that the enemy loses his ground of attack.
If any of you have ever been in a long distance relationship, you know that it’s the little things that keep you going. Because there are always the times that you get those sneaky thoughts of, well what if this person really doesn’t like me that much, or what if it’s not going to work out, why am I even doing this if it’s not going to work out. And they always seem to come when that person can’t be there to reassure you, when all you have to rely on is the promises that they have given you. Well you know how much it means to have something to throw back in the face of those thoughts.
Like, no actually I think that he does think I’m a godly woman with integrity, because he told me, and he sent me that cool letter with verses and affirmation of my heart.
(That happened like once… )
Not to say that it’s always that easy though, because I will say that this is probably what makes life so frustrating sometimes. Is choosing truth instead of a lie. Especially when the lie sounds just so much like the truth…. when you just can’t tell the difference.
Fortunately for all of us, life will always continue to push on, so whether or not we find peace that first time… there will always be a second, third, fourth, fifth, and probably many more times for us to practice getting it right. And I keep reminding myself that I don’t have to take to heart other people’s lives or actions, or words, or moods, or leadership styles, or dance moves, or eating habits, or religions. Because ultimately, as hard as it is to accept, I am not responsible for that, or them. And part of MY peace and balance in my grey areas can usually be made much easier by not comparing my life to anyone else’s, and not expecting myself to be like anyone else.
And sometimes smelling the pollen, and getting a good sneeze can be really good for me. Because all the snot that leaves that pretty nose of mine probably didn’t belong in there anyway. And regardless of the sting behind my eyes in the moment, I know that I will be clearer for the next bunch of beauty to come my way.
So go ahead, make your way through that meadow and don’t fear what will come at you, because regardless of what it tells you, regardless of how you feel when it does, regardless of WHAT happens… there will always be more flowers, there will always be more good than bad, there will always be a weekend, a good song, an affirming comment, a look of hope.
I’ll tell you right now.
You are beautiful, your legs are absolutely fine, your beard has come a long way and it looks great (if that applies to ANY ladies… you are beautiful how you are, but you might want to work on that), this won’t last forever, people can always change (if they want to), life is hard sometimes but you’ll always find a light, people are good but God is great.
And as long as I can hold onto those little bits of gold, then I can trust that my balance is on it’s way.
Chew On The Write Words 